my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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