Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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