Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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