your room smells of hookers.
And success
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
