Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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