Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
