I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
