Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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