It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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