I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
