I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
