do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
