I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
