why do cheetos always look like penises
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
