So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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