I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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