Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
