I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
