Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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