dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
