wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
