He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
