when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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