Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
