no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
