Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
