she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
