My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
don't judge my taste in strippers
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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