I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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