My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
