Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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