I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
