1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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