Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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