im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
