He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
