Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
