Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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