In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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