Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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