I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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