You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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