Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
