Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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