I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
