i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
