I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
