i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
