Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
