Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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