Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
