You can't special order awesome
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
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