i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
