how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
this boner is exhausting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
