my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
