I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
