why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
