Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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