my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
