I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i think i just lost a toe
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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